Always Apologize, Always Explain.

by Martha Beck

Why the two words, "I'm sorry" can be the most rewarding.

I was a mere child when the classic tear gusher Love Story hit theaters in 1970, but I wept along with the adult audience as the dying Ali MacGraw told the darling Ryan O'Neal, "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Two years later, I saw another movie, What's Up, Doc?, in which Barbra Streisand's character repeated the very same line to the very same actor. This time, however, O'Neal had an answer. "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," he said.

For me, that was a lightbulb moment. I'd been swept along by the romance of Love Story, but even as I'd watched it, I'd felt an uncomfortable tickle in my brain. Young as I was (practically fetal, I swear), something was telling me that real lovers say they're sorry quite often. Sincerely. Fervently, even.

This is not because dismal feelings like shame and regret are necessary components of a relationship, but because without apology no relationship would be free of them. Everyone does things that bother or hurt others; a bit of inconvenient procrastination will do it, or a grumpy comment made in a stressful moment. When we lack the ability to say we're sorry, minor offenses eventually accumulate enough weight to sink any relationship.

But the simple act of apologizing can reestablish goodwill even when our sins are much, much graver. Of course, it must be done right. A lame, badly constructed apology can do more damage than the original offense. Fortunately, the art of effective apology is simple, and mastering it can mean a lifetime of solid, resilient relationships.

I've heard many clients discuss and anticipate the "perfect moment" for an apology, claiming that premature contrition would just be too darn hard on the person they've wronged. Here's what I think: The perfect moment to apologize is the moment you realize you've done something wrong.

This seems obvious when we're contemplating somebody else's sins, but in the harsh light of our own guilt, we often try to protect ourselves from shame or censure by waiting for the heat to blow over. We may try to postpone apologizing or avoid it altogether by lying, blaming others, making excuses or justifying our actions. The impulse to go into such a stall is a big ol' signal. When you really don't want to say you're sorry, it's almost certainly time to do so.

On the other hand, you may be one of those people who apologizes when they haven't done anything wrong. This is as false as failing to say you're sorry when circumstances warrant it. If you frequently apologize, it's time to stop. This kind of pseudo-apology may ease awkward conversations, but it's a form of crying wolf; it distracts attention from real issues and weakens meaningful apologies when the time for them arrives.

Apologizing is rarely comfortable or easy, so if you're going to do it at all, make it count. Aaron Lazare, MD, a psychiatrist and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, has spent years studying acts of contrition in every context, from interpersonal to international. He has found that, to be effective, most apologies need to contain the following elements:

1. Full acknowledgment of the offense

Start by describing exactly what you did wrong, without avoiding the worst truths. Once the facts are out, acknowledge that your behavior violated a moral code. It doesn't matter whether you and the person you've hurt shares the same ethics: If you've broken your own rules, you're in the wrong. Accept responsibility.

2. An explanation

A truthful explanation is your best shot at rebuilding a strong, peaceful relationship. The core-deep explanation for your behavior is your key to changing for the better. Explanations help you and your victim understand why you misbehaved and assure both of you that the offense won't recur. Excuses merely deflect responsibility. Leave them out of your apology.

3. Genuine expression of remorse

Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the comment "I'm sorry you feel that way" knows the difference between sincere regret and an attempt to avoid responsibility for bad behavior. Few things are less likely to evoke forgiveness than apology without remorse.

4. Reparations for damage

An apology includes real repair work: not just saying "I'm sorry." Often there will be nothing tangible to repair; hearts and relationships are broken more often than physical objects. In such cases, your efforts should focus on restoring the other person's dignity. The question "What else do you want me to do?" can start this process. If you ask it sincerely, really listen to the answer and act on the other party's suggestions, you'll be honoring their feelings, perspective and experience. The knowledge that one is heard and valued has incredible healing power; it can mend even seemingly irreparable wounds.

When you really apologize, you should feel good about yourself. An effective apology is, as Lazare puts it, "an act of honesty, an act of humility, an act of commitment, an act of generosity, and an act of courage."

But there's no guarantee that the other person involved will share your warm fuzzies. The final gallant act of apology is to release your former victim from any expectation of forgiveness. No matter how noble you have been, he will forgive -- or refuse to forgive -- on his own terms. That is his right.

Anne Lamott refers to forgiveness as "giving up all hope of having had a different past." The same words apply to apologizing. An apology is the end of our struggle with history, the act by which we untangle from our past by accepting what it actually was. From this truthful place we are free to move forward, whether or not we are forgiven. Apologizing doesn't make us perfect, but it shows our commitment to be honest about our imperfections and steadfast in our efforts to do better.

It reminds us of what Ali MacGraw's Love Story character died too young to learn: that love means always being willing to say you're sorry.

Article from O, The Oprah Magazine, September 2004. © 2007 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.


3E = I recalled one the most powerful sayings about forgiveness that I have adopted since 2 years ago. "When you forgive someone you are setting the prisoner free, which later on you realize that the prisoner was yourself." Bitterness and anger are very destructive elements that we have to get rid CONTINUOUSLY from our life. Learning to apologize correctly and effectively is not solving the whole puzzle. Only half of it. We need to learn to forgive as well to complete the whole picture of the puzzle. So that we know it is not easy to forgive and thus, discourage us to do unnecessary things that can potentially hurt others. Asking forgiveness and Forgiving others are not our innate traits as a human being. These are traits that NEED TO and CAN BE developed. There is always price to pay for a better life. If we want the best life for ourselves, we better learn start from now the best we can to ask for forgiveness and forgive others.

LEARNING TO LIVE

by Amber Thomure

In life we all learn to walk and talk, we struggle to survive. To learn to live though is another atter. We tend to acquire that knowledge the hard way. I realized this when my father died. I wanted to do so much more with him and now that I see how short life is, I understand the importance of putting first things first. I have chosen to live life as a participant, not a spectator; my first experience with death actually taught me how to live.

I can recall the day clearly; it was August 27th, 1991. It was a beautiful bright sunny day just outside of Sacramento California, my father and I spent his last day alive at the State Fair. We were there all day long, from open to close. We did everything we could: saw all the exhibits, rode all the rides, played all the games and of course ate our fair share of cotton candy and snacks. Towards the end of the day he was getting tired and slowing down. At the time I really didn't think much of it, we were both wearing thin. Now of course I realize what was happening, he was starting to have a heart attack.

Once we got home I was out like a light, but before I fell asleep I remember thinking that this was the best day of my life. I was definitely "Daddy's Girl" and that day I had him all to myself, something that was very rare. That was the last night for many years I could fall asleep feeling like everything in my life was okay and all was well in the world. I was young, just thirteen years old, I was naive and my father was my personal hero. I had no idea something like that would or even could ever happen to me, or to him. As a child I lost my father and he lost his life. I was of course devastated when my mother woke me up in the wee hours of the morning to tell me the news.

The next few years were difficult; my entire world had been shredded, torn apart and turned upside down. My mom and I ended up moving, her to Arizona and me to here, there and everywhere. I stayed with friends and acquaintances, I felt isolated for quite some time. There were no more fair days, no more piggy back rides, no more "Daddy's Little Girl". I turned to my family and faith for guidance and support. Although it was a fight I ultimately learned that living is more important than surviving.

As adults it's easy to miss out on life, at least the part that matters. Jobs, problems, or whatever the pressing issues of the day are, can easily overshadow what matters most to us. Things like family, friends and our own happiness are often neglected or pushed to the back burner. We say we want to spend time with the people we love, so then why don't we? Why is it that we spend our time on other things? Imagine that you are sick, really sick, would the world keep going? Then what if you took a vacation day every once in awhile, would everything really fall apart? Of course the world would keep turning; the reality is, the world will keep going once we are gone. We all have to find time to turn off our cell phones and really be there for each other, to live.

It took me many years and a lot of soul searching to come to this point, but my personal mission statement is "I will not just survive, I will live". That same statement will mean a variety of things to other people, but here's what it means to me. Buy the perfect dress, eat ice cream for breakfast, go on the trip of a lifetime. Just stay true to yourself and focused on what matters most , it does not mean is to be irresponsible or live each day as if were your last. We all have bills to pay and responsibilities to meet. However, there are ways of enjoying life and still meeting your obligations. Be the first one to jump in the pool, sing karaoke in front of your friends, just live your life so you don't look back and say I wish I would have done more, or I missed out. Just getting the most out of life, to me that is truly living.

The way I see it is, the smallest tasks can be the greatest gifts. We can decide that everyday is valuable and treat it so. Routine jobs can be thought of events, things like grocery shopping or driving to work can be looked at in a positive way. We can sing in the shower, we can have a blast making dinner, its all in our perspective and how we choose to live.

I am married now and my husband and I have a son together, we both want him to be able to look back at his childhood and know that he was important. We work at spending time together, and by spending I don't mean in the sense that "Time is Money" because its not. It's much more valuable than that. We make a point do things as a family, whether it's a vacation to Hawaii, a trip to the circus or just watching TV we do it together. I believe that we show him our love, by enjoying the simple things with him, through our actions not only our words.

We were all born and will all die, the question is what will happen in between. Will you simply walk or will you skip and dance? Will you only talk or can you listen and sing? Will you survive or will you live? My father may not have had a long life, but he lived!


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Amber Thomure is 29 years old, and wrote this paper for her English 101 class. The assignment was to write a narrative essay on one of your "firsts"; first date, first kiss, or first experience with death or serious illness. Amber chose to write about her first experience with death, her father's. She is just returning to school after 10 years, knowing that she was a little rusty she really put a lot of work into this paper. She thought she it was an "A" paper. Her teacher gave her a "C", saying that it was very good but that it was inspirational rather than narrative. Amber has been a subscriber to MDI for some time and thought if it inspired him, it may inspire others. What do you think? Amber can be reached at athomure@aol.com

3E= Well said. As a psychologist once said, that the greatest driver of a human being is the need to be appreciated. What you sow is what you reap. If you want everyone and everything in your life to appreciate you to the maximum, then learn to appreciate life itself by start living, not only surviving....EVERY DAY!

The Struggle

© Tony Masiello 2006

What do butterflies have in common with the human spirit? Meet Maggie, a middle aged wife and mother who was about to find out.

Maggie wasn't rich like a millionaire or poor in a manner of being homeless. She was living an average comfortable life. It was made even better when a beautiful baby girl came her way. She and her husband made sure their daughter had her needs met and they were still able to take a yearly vacation by the beach.

Maggie was a partner in her husband's business. They both had a different set of duties which kept everything in balance. One day a devastating blow came to her husband's business, and over a three year period the business dropped out of site. Her husband had to totally reinvent himself and was yearning to fulfill a dream with a new vocation. She was happy for him and supported him fully, but still the money was not coming in.

Maggie began to feel guilty that she wasn't contributing with any kind of income. It had been a long time since she had worked outside the home and had to work for someone else. Needless to say she was scared but still had faith that everything would be okay. She began job hunting and found filling out applications somewhat difficult, especially the part asking for job references. Keep in mind that she was self-employed with her husband for almost 20 years. It felt as though that didn't count for anything as she was never called for an interview.

At the time she was job hunting her mom became more ill than she had been and ended up in the hospital for a week. Once Maggie's mom returned home she became her mom's helper one day a week. She did the shopping, changed sheets, vacuumed and did other things that her mother was not able to do anymore. Of course her mom would pay her for her time and labor
but she still felt she needed to find another source of income.

One of the first applications she had filled out finally came through. She passed the interview with flying colors and was told she was "exactly" what they were looking for. Although it was only part time it was exactly what she wanted. It was important for her to be home when her daughter arrived home from school. She was told they would be in touch when the schedule was ready. Knowing she had the job made her feel contented and productive again.

Within a few weeks though, she received an e-mail saying that the company had changed the job into a full time position and she was not qualified. Maggie was devastated. She felt betrayed and felt she had been lied to. That evening she was alone as her husband and daughter had gone out for the night. She welcomed the aloneness and wanted to drown her sorrows in a hot tub of
bubbles.

As she knew she would, she began to cry, softly at first just from the sheer pain of being rejected. Three long years of struggle had finally caught up with her. Then she became angry; angry at everything from the circumstances that got her there, to God himself. She cried harder and yelled, "What do you want me to do?" She really felt that God had abandoned her.
When she was able to cry no more, she became exhausted and gave up. It was at that moment that a silent idea came to her to offer other elderly people home care assistance.
Using another talent for computers she printed off some flyers and cards and distributed them to her church, grocery stores and even placed a small ad in the newspaper. Within a week she had procured two new clients.

Now, even though she's not a CEO of a major company or a power player she feels happy and productive again. So, had God really abandoned her? Let's look at nature for the lessons and the answer.

Before a butterfly can emerge out of it's chrysalis it has to go through a lot of struggling. Yes, struggling. Each time it lunges out to escape, acids are being removed from its wings. If someone were to come along and break the chrysalis open for it then the butterfly would die from those acids. In essence the struggle is necessary for the butterfly to survive. Then in the stillness, when the struggle is over, the butterfly can come out and share its beauty with the world.
We as humans are not any different. There are times that we need to struggle, to rid ourselves of the acids that make up sadness, fear, and anger. It is only at this time when we are exhausted and still that we begin to hear the Universe whisper to us.

3E: there is always a price to pay for everything that is worth it in life. The question now is no longer, "Can I do it?" because every struggle that we will go through, will eventually takes us to the next level of life, the butterfly stages for our own chrysalis. Because persistency is the mother of success. But the question now has become, " Will I do it?"
Every single life-impacting decision that we make, start with a single answer. The answer for that question. Thus, make your decision today to be persistent, to change, and to impact others. Never give up while you are struggling through your own chrysalis. Because an opportunity of a lifetime has to be seized in the lifetime of the opportunity itself. We won't see the glory of the opportunity if we give up now.

3E= Enterpreneur, Entertainer, Educator

The ability to get the job done in full creativity and beyond expectation, no matter what it takes. That's the spirit of an Enterpreneur.
The ability to show people that life is full of hope and operate best in laughter and joy. That's the spirit of an Entertainer.
The ability to influence changes in mind, thus alternate the life's courses of others for eternity. That's the spirit of an Educator.

So who am I? I am Jimmy and I am a 3E: Enterpreneur, Entertainer, Educator.

POPULARITY VERSUS PRODUCTIVITY

taken from Leadership Wired - June 2007.

Popularity and productivity sound like fraternal twins, but in reality they can look as different as Paris Hilton and Warren Buffet. If productivity is a Honda Civic, then popularity is a Lamborghini Diablo with a bad transmission. In leadership, substance trumps style—every time.

A Popular Flop
Among the litany of dotcom flameouts, Pets.com is notable for the mass popularity it achieved, and infamous for its failure to generate even a cent of profit. As a 1998 startup, Pets.com was founded upon the idea of selling pet supplies to online shoppers. The darling of venture capitalists, Pets.com raised a spectacular $82.5 million of capital during its initial public offering in 2000. Shortly thereafter, Pets.com poured $1.2 million into a Super Bowl commercial. Featuring the company mascot, a sock puppet dog, the advertisement was a smash hit and was voted the best Super Bowl ad by USA Today. The business’ catchy slogan “Because Pets Can't Drive!” announced its arrival to the American market, and consumers flocked to the company’s website. Fellow dotcom, Amazon, even bought into the craze—literally—purchasing 50% ownership of Pets.com.

Unfortunately for Pets.com (and fans of their sock puppet mascot), they never garnered enough business to offset massive startup costs sunk into warehousing and marketing. The dotcom bubble burst and financing dried up. Only nine months after going public, Pets.com went out of business. In short, Pets.com lacked a productive business model which could translate popularity into profits.

Lovable Losers
The Chicago Cubs epitomize the concept of the popular, but ineffective franchise. Nicknamed, “The Lovable Losers” by their fans, the Cubs consistently play their way to the bottom of the standings, despite having one of the higher payrolls in Major League Baseball. Although the Cubs have endeared themselves to Chicagoans, who pack Wrigley Field for every game, the team cannot seem to deliver results. With each passing year of futility, the Cubs prove how disconnected popularity can be from performance.

Leadership Application
What can leaders learn from Pets.com and the Chicago Cubs? Well, a couple of simple lessons.
First, as the proverb says, “You can’t judge a book by its cover.” A prudent leader looks past appearances to discern the heart of a matter. Perhaps it’s the potential hire with the glittering resume, who, upon further review, falsified his achievements. Or maybe it’s a potential partner with the captivating sales pitch, who after being researched, turns out to have a track record of unethical behavior. Or possibly it’s a sparkling business opportunity that promises growth and brand recognition, but, after being reviewed, would clearly steer the company away from its mission.

Second, leaders build margins not image. A leader may be forced to take unpopular stands for the good of the company. Popularity isn’t bad, but decisions made solely on the basis of popular opinion can be devastating. Leaving a plush corporate campus for smaller, more functional office space doesn’t earn a leader a pat on the back, but it may protect the company from financial doom. Layoffs are agonizingly unpopular, but they may the only solution to a downturn in the economy. Leaders are willing to endure the criticism of making tough calls that fly in the face of popular opinion.

Learning to Listen

Author Unknown


We all know what it's like to get that phone call in the middle of the night. This night was no different. Jerking up to the ringing summons, I focused on the red, illuminated numbers of my clock. It was midnight and panicky thoughts filled my sleep-dazed mind as I grabbed the receiver.

'Hello?' My heart pounded, I gripped the phone tighter and eyed my husband, who was now turning to face my side of the bed. 'Mum?' The voice answered. I could hardly hear the whisper over the static. But my thoughts immediately went to my daughter. When the desperate sound of a young crying voice became clear on the line, I grabbed for my husband and squeezed his wrist.

'Mum, I know it's late. But don't ... don't say anything until I finish. And before you ask, yes I've been drinking. I nearly ran off the road a few miles back and...' I drew in a sharp, shallow breath, released my husband and pressed my hand against my forehead. Sleep still fogged my mind, and I attempted to fight back the panic. Something wasn't right.

'... and I got so scared. All I could think of was how it would hurt you if a policeman came to your door and said I'd been killed. I want to come home. I know running away was wrong. I know you've been worried sick. I should have called you days ago but I was afraid, afraid ...'
Sobs of deep-felt emotion flowed from the receiver and poured into my heart. Immediately I pictured my daughter's face in my mind, and my fogged senses seemed to clear, 'I think .... '
'No! Please let me finish! Please!' She pleaded, not so much in anger, but in desperation. I paused and tried to think what to say. Before I could go on, she continued. 'I'm pregnant, Mum. I know I shouldn't be drinking now ... especially now, but I'm scared, Mum. So scared!'
The voice broke again, and I bit into my lip, feeling my own eyes fill with moisture. I looked up at my husband, who sat silently mouthing, 'Who is it?'
I shook my head and when I didn't answer, he jumped up and left the room, returning seconds later with a portable phone held to his ear. She must have heard the click in the line because she asked, 'Are you still there? Please don't hang up on me! I need you. I feel so alone.'

I clutched the phone and stared at my husband, seeking guidance. 'I'm here, I wouldn't hang up,' I said. 'I should have told you, mum. I know I should have told you. But, when we talk, you just keep telling me what I should do. You read all those pamphlets on how to talk about sex and all, but all you do is talk. You don't listen to me. You never let me tell you how I feel. It is as if my feelings aren't important. Because you're my mother you think you have all the answers. But sometimes I don't need answers. I just want someone to listen.'

I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared at the how-to-talk-to-your-kids pamphlets scattered on my nightstand. 'I'm listening,' I whispered. 'You know, back there on the road after I got the car under control, I started thinking about the baby and taking care of it. Then I saw this phone booth and it was as if I could hear you preaching to me about how people shouldn't drink and drive. So I called a taxi. I want to come home.'

'That's good honey,' I said, relief filling my chest. My husband came closer, sat down beside me and laced his fingers through mine.
'But you know, I think I can drive now.'
'No!' I snapped. My muscles stiffened and I tightened the clasp on my husband's hand. 'Please, wait for the taxi. Don't hang up on me until the taxi gets there.'
'I just want to come home, Mum.'
'I know. But do this for your Mum. Wait for the taxi, please.'

I listened to the silence in fear. When I didn't hear her answer, I bit into my lip and closed my eyes. Somehow I had to stop her from driving. 'There's the taxi now.' Only when I heard someone in the background asking about a Yellow Cab did I feel my tension easing.
'I'm coming home, Mum.' There was a click, and the phone went silent. Moving from the bed, tears forming in my eyes, I walked out into the hall and went to stand in my 16-year-old daughter's room. My husband came from behind, wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on the top of my head.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks. 'We have to learn to listen,' I said to him. He studied me for a second, and then asked, 'Do you think she'll ever know she dialed the wrong number?'
I looked at our sleeping daughter, then back at him. 'Maybe it wasn't such a wrong number.'
'Mum, Dad, what are you doing?' The muffled voice came from under the covers. I walked over to my daughter, who now sat up staring into the darkness. "We're practicing," I answered. "Practicing what?'" she mumbled and lay back on the mattress, but her eyes already closed in slumber. "Listening," I whispered and brushed a hand over her cheek.

Respect and Give

I've learned one important lesson last weekend from my life-coach.
A statement that complete all the puzzles about respect and giving.

"Respect others not because for who they are, but for who we are."

Discouragement

“What we do not see, what most of us never suspect of existing, is the silent but irresistible power which comes to the rescue of those who fight on in the face of discouragement.”

~ Napoleon Hill

“Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.”

~ Dale Carnegie

Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional.

~ Roger Crawford