by Martha Beck
Why the two words, "I'm sorry" can be the most rewarding.
I was a mere child when the classic tear gusher Love Story hit theaters in 1970, but I wept along with the adult audience as the dying Ali MacGraw told the darling Ryan O'Neal, "Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Two years later, I saw another movie, What's Up, Doc?, in which Barbra Streisand's character repeated the very same line to the very same actor. This time, however, O'Neal had an answer. "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," he said.
For me, that was a lightbulb moment. I'd been swept along by the romance of Love Story, but even as I'd watched it, I'd felt an uncomfortable tickle in my brain. Young as I was (practically fetal, I swear), something was telling me that real lovers say they're sorry quite often. Sincerely. Fervently, even.
This is not because dismal feelings like shame and regret are necessary components of a relationship, but because without apology no relationship would be free of them. Everyone does things that bother or hurt others; a bit of inconvenient procrastination will do it, or a grumpy comment made in a stressful moment. When we lack the ability to say we're sorry, minor offenses eventually accumulate enough weight to sink any relationship.
But the simple act of apologizing can reestablish goodwill even when our sins are much, much graver. Of course, it must be done right. A lame, badly constructed apology can do more damage than the original offense. Fortunately, the art of effective apology is simple, and mastering it can mean a lifetime of solid, resilient relationships.
I've heard many clients discuss and anticipate the "perfect moment" for an apology, claiming that premature contrition would just be too darn hard on the person they've wronged. Here's what I think: The perfect moment to apologize is the moment you realize you've done something wrong.
This seems obvious when we're contemplating somebody else's sins, but in the harsh light of our own guilt, we often try to protect ourselves from shame or censure by waiting for the heat to blow over. We may try to postpone apologizing or avoid it altogether by lying, blaming others, making excuses or justifying our actions. The impulse to go into such a stall is a big ol' signal. When you really don't want to say you're sorry, it's almost certainly time to do so.
On the other hand, you may be one of those people who apologizes when they haven't done anything wrong. This is as false as failing to say you're sorry when circumstances warrant it. If you frequently apologize, it's time to stop. This kind of pseudo-apology may ease awkward conversations, but it's a form of crying wolf; it distracts attention from real issues and weakens meaningful apologies when the time for them arrives.
Apologizing is rarely comfortable or easy, so if you're going to do it at all, make it count. Aaron Lazare, MD, a psychiatrist and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, has spent years studying acts of contrition in every context, from interpersonal to international. He has found that, to be effective, most apologies need to contain the following elements:
1. Full acknowledgment of the offense
Start by describing exactly what you did wrong, without avoiding the worst truths. Once the facts are out, acknowledge that your behavior violated a moral code. It doesn't matter whether you and the person you've hurt shares the same ethics: If you've broken your own rules, you're in the wrong. Accept responsibility.
2. An explanation
A truthful explanation is your best shot at rebuilding a strong, peaceful relationship. The core-deep explanation for your behavior is your key to changing for the better. Explanations help you and your victim understand why you misbehaved and assure both of you that the offense won't recur. Excuses merely deflect responsibility. Leave them out of your apology.
3. Genuine expression of remorse
Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the comment "I'm sorry you feel that way" knows the difference between sincere regret and an attempt to avoid responsibility for bad behavior. Few things are less likely to evoke forgiveness than apology without remorse.
4. Reparations for damage
An apology includes real repair work: not just saying "I'm sorry." Often there will be nothing tangible to repair; hearts and relationships are broken more often than physical objects. In such cases, your efforts should focus on restoring the other person's dignity. The question "What else do you want me to do?" can start this process. If you ask it sincerely, really listen to the answer and act on the other party's suggestions, you'll be honoring their feelings, perspective and experience. The knowledge that one is heard and valued has incredible healing power; it can mend even seemingly irreparable wounds.
When you really apologize, you should feel good about yourself. An effective apology is, as Lazare puts it, "an act of honesty, an act of humility, an act of commitment, an act of generosity, and an act of courage."
But there's no guarantee that the other person involved will share your warm fuzzies. The final gallant act of apology is to release your former victim from any expectation of forgiveness. No matter how noble you have been, he will forgive -- or refuse to forgive -- on his own terms. That is his right.
Anne Lamott refers to forgiveness as "giving up all hope of having had a different past." The same words apply to apologizing. An apology is the end of our struggle with history, the act by which we untangle from our past by accepting what it actually was. From this truthful place we are free to move forward, whether or not we are forgiven. Apologizing doesn't make us perfect, but it shows our commitment to be honest about our imperfections and steadfast in our efforts to do better.
It reminds us of what Ali MacGraw's Love Story character died too young to learn: that love means always being willing to say you're sorry.
Article from O, The Oprah Magazine, September 2004. © 2007 Harpo Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
3E = I recalled one the most powerful sayings about forgiveness that I have adopted since 2 years ago. "When you forgive someone you are setting the prisoner free, which later on you realize that the prisoner was yourself." Bitterness and anger are very destructive elements that we have to get rid CONTINUOUSLY from our life. Learning to apologize correctly and effectively is not solving the whole puzzle. Only half of it. We need to learn to forgive as well to complete the whole picture of the puzzle. So that we know it is not easy to forgive and thus, discourage us to do unnecessary things that can potentially hurt others. Asking forgiveness and Forgiving others are not our innate traits as a human being. These are traits that NEED TO and CAN BE developed. There is always price to pay for a better life. If we want the best life for ourselves, we better learn start from now the best we can to ask for forgiveness and forgive others.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Saturday, September 8, 2007
LEARNING TO LIVE
by Amber Thomure
In life we all learn to walk and talk, we struggle to survive. To learn to live though is another atter. We tend to acquire that knowledge the hard way. I realized this when my father died. I wanted to do so much more with him and now that I see how short life is, I understand the importance of putting first things first. I have chosen to live life as a participant, not a spectator; my first experience with death actually taught me how to live.
I can recall the day clearly; it was August 27th, 1991. It was a beautiful bright sunny day just outside of Sacramento California, my father and I spent his last day alive at the State Fair. We were there all day long, from open to close. We did everything we could: saw all the exhibits, rode all the rides, played all the games and of course ate our fair share of cotton candy and snacks. Towards the end of the day he was getting tired and slowing down. At the time I really didn't think much of it, we were both wearing thin. Now of course I realize what was happening, he was starting to have a heart attack.
Once we got home I was out like a light, but before I fell asleep I remember thinking that this was the best day of my life. I was definitely "Daddy's Girl" and that day I had him all to myself, something that was very rare. That was the last night for many years I could fall asleep feeling like everything in my life was okay and all was well in the world. I was young, just thirteen years old, I was naive and my father was my personal hero. I had no idea something like that would or even could ever happen to me, or to him. As a child I lost my father and he lost his life. I was of course devastated when my mother woke me up in the wee hours of the morning to tell me the news.
The next few years were difficult; my entire world had been shredded, torn apart and turned upside down. My mom and I ended up moving, her to Arizona and me to here, there and everywhere. I stayed with friends and acquaintances, I felt isolated for quite some time. There were no more fair days, no more piggy back rides, no more "Daddy's Little Girl". I turned to my family and faith for guidance and support. Although it was a fight I ultimately learned that living is more important than surviving.
As adults it's easy to miss out on life, at least the part that matters. Jobs, problems, or whatever the pressing issues of the day are, can easily overshadow what matters most to us. Things like family, friends and our own happiness are often neglected or pushed to the back burner. We say we want to spend time with the people we love, so then why don't we? Why is it that we spend our time on other things? Imagine that you are sick, really sick, would the world keep going? Then what if you took a vacation day every once in awhile, would everything really fall apart? Of course the world would keep turning; the reality is, the world will keep going once we are gone. We all have to find time to turn off our cell phones and really be there for each other, to live.
It took me many years and a lot of soul searching to come to this point, but my personal mission statement is "I will not just survive, I will live". That same statement will mean a variety of things to other people, but here's what it means to me. Buy the perfect dress, eat ice cream for breakfast, go on the trip of a lifetime. Just stay true to yourself and focused on what matters most , it does not mean is to be irresponsible or live each day as if were your last. We all have bills to pay and responsibilities to meet. However, there are ways of enjoying life and still meeting your obligations. Be the first one to jump in the pool, sing karaoke in front of your friends, just live your life so you don't look back and say I wish I would have done more, or I missed out. Just getting the most out of life, to me that is truly living.
The way I see it is, the smallest tasks can be the greatest gifts. We can decide that everyday is valuable and treat it so. Routine jobs can be thought of events, things like grocery shopping or driving to work can be looked at in a positive way. We can sing in the shower, we can have a blast making dinner, its all in our perspective and how we choose to live.
I am married now and my husband and I have a son together, we both want him to be able to look back at his childhood and know that he was important. We work at spending time together, and by spending I don't mean in the sense that "Time is Money" because its not. It's much more valuable than that. We make a point do things as a family, whether it's a vacation to Hawaii, a trip to the circus or just watching TV we do it together. I believe that we show him our love, by enjoying the simple things with him, through our actions not only our words.
We were all born and will all die, the question is what will happen in between. Will you simply walk or will you skip and dance? Will you only talk or can you listen and sing? Will you survive or will you live? My father may not have had a long life, but he lived!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Amber Thomure is 29 years old, and wrote this paper for her English 101 class. The assignment was to write a narrative essay on one of your "firsts"; first date, first kiss, or first experience with death or serious illness. Amber chose to write about her first experience with death, her father's. She is just returning to school after 10 years, knowing that she was a little rusty she really put a lot of work into this paper. She thought she it was an "A" paper. Her teacher gave her a "C", saying that it was very good but that it was inspirational rather than narrative. Amber has been a subscriber to MDI for some time and thought if it inspired him, it may inspire others. What do you think? Amber can be reached at athomure@aol.com
3E= Well said. As a psychologist once said, that the greatest driver of a human being is the need to be appreciated. What you sow is what you reap. If you want everyone and everything in your life to appreciate you to the maximum, then learn to appreciate life itself by start living, not only surviving....EVERY DAY!
In life we all learn to walk and talk, we struggle to survive. To learn to live though is another atter. We tend to acquire that knowledge the hard way. I realized this when my father died. I wanted to do so much more with him and now that I see how short life is, I understand the importance of putting first things first. I have chosen to live life as a participant, not a spectator; my first experience with death actually taught me how to live.
I can recall the day clearly; it was August 27th, 1991. It was a beautiful bright sunny day just outside of Sacramento California, my father and I spent his last day alive at the State Fair. We were there all day long, from open to close. We did everything we could: saw all the exhibits, rode all the rides, played all the games and of course ate our fair share of cotton candy and snacks. Towards the end of the day he was getting tired and slowing down. At the time I really didn't think much of it, we were both wearing thin. Now of course I realize what was happening, he was starting to have a heart attack.
Once we got home I was out like a light, but before I fell asleep I remember thinking that this was the best day of my life. I was definitely "Daddy's Girl" and that day I had him all to myself, something that was very rare. That was the last night for many years I could fall asleep feeling like everything in my life was okay and all was well in the world. I was young, just thirteen years old, I was naive and my father was my personal hero. I had no idea something like that would or even could ever happen to me, or to him. As a child I lost my father and he lost his life. I was of course devastated when my mother woke me up in the wee hours of the morning to tell me the news.
The next few years were difficult; my entire world had been shredded, torn apart and turned upside down. My mom and I ended up moving, her to Arizona and me to here, there and everywhere. I stayed with friends and acquaintances, I felt isolated for quite some time. There were no more fair days, no more piggy back rides, no more "Daddy's Little Girl". I turned to my family and faith for guidance and support. Although it was a fight I ultimately learned that living is more important than surviving.
As adults it's easy to miss out on life, at least the part that matters. Jobs, problems, or whatever the pressing issues of the day are, can easily overshadow what matters most to us. Things like family, friends and our own happiness are often neglected or pushed to the back burner. We say we want to spend time with the people we love, so then why don't we? Why is it that we spend our time on other things? Imagine that you are sick, really sick, would the world keep going? Then what if you took a vacation day every once in awhile, would everything really fall apart? Of course the world would keep turning; the reality is, the world will keep going once we are gone. We all have to find time to turn off our cell phones and really be there for each other, to live.
It took me many years and a lot of soul searching to come to this point, but my personal mission statement is "I will not just survive, I will live". That same statement will mean a variety of things to other people, but here's what it means to me. Buy the perfect dress, eat ice cream for breakfast, go on the trip of a lifetime. Just stay true to yourself and focused on what matters most , it does not mean is to be irresponsible or live each day as if were your last. We all have bills to pay and responsibilities to meet. However, there are ways of enjoying life and still meeting your obligations. Be the first one to jump in the pool, sing karaoke in front of your friends, just live your life so you don't look back and say I wish I would have done more, or I missed out. Just getting the most out of life, to me that is truly living.
The way I see it is, the smallest tasks can be the greatest gifts. We can decide that everyday is valuable and treat it so. Routine jobs can be thought of events, things like grocery shopping or driving to work can be looked at in a positive way. We can sing in the shower, we can have a blast making dinner, its all in our perspective and how we choose to live.
I am married now and my husband and I have a son together, we both want him to be able to look back at his childhood and know that he was important. We work at spending time together, and by spending I don't mean in the sense that "Time is Money" because its not. It's much more valuable than that. We make a point do things as a family, whether it's a vacation to Hawaii, a trip to the circus or just watching TV we do it together. I believe that we show him our love, by enjoying the simple things with him, through our actions not only our words.
We were all born and will all die, the question is what will happen in between. Will you simply walk or will you skip and dance? Will you only talk or can you listen and sing? Will you survive or will you live? My father may not have had a long life, but he lived!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Amber Thomure is 29 years old, and wrote this paper for her English 101 class. The assignment was to write a narrative essay on one of your "firsts"; first date, first kiss, or first experience with death or serious illness. Amber chose to write about her first experience with death, her father's. She is just returning to school after 10 years, knowing that she was a little rusty she really put a lot of work into this paper. She thought she it was an "A" paper. Her teacher gave her a "C", saying that it was very good but that it was inspirational rather than narrative. Amber has been a subscriber to MDI for some time and thought if it inspired him, it may inspire others. What do you think? Amber can be reached at athomure@aol.com
3E= Well said. As a psychologist once said, that the greatest driver of a human being is the need to be appreciated. What you sow is what you reap. If you want everyone and everything in your life to appreciate you to the maximum, then learn to appreciate life itself by start living, not only surviving....EVERY DAY!
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